Saturday, January 03, 2015

New year, new chapter, new way of life - dealing with it, 1st step

I'm a bit out of practice with this blogging lark, so please bear with.

The purpose is take control of my brain again and stop the whirl of random thoughts that are constantly there and make me think, sometime, that I'm going completely barmy.  Trouble is, they're there one minute and gone the next! But....they keep coming back.

So here's the first one.  I have a strong tendency to worry about what other people think.  The way that I've coped with my life this past year with my wonderful husband, a strong, funny, sensitive, lovely man with not a bad bone in his body felled in one blow by a massive stroke that took away every quality of life that you can think of in a nursing home for an indefinite period, was by trying to live it as I've always lived it when he was around.

Facebook has played a huge role in this but with a mixture of  'FB Friends' consisting of real life friends, family, people you don't know very well and, sometimes, people you don't know at all I was very concious of what I was posting.  If I posted something funny rude would those that knew think I was callous, uncaring, inappropriate, offensive? I did it anyway, although there were often things that I chickened out of, but I worried about it so those negative niggles in my head would turn nasty and I'd imagine all sorts things without anything whatsoever to back up those imaginings.

So there, it's written down, on the internet, therefore the whole world can see it in black and white, if they're interested.  And it's so silly. I can see that if some people thought it inappropriate, etc then so what? What would happen? Maybe I'd lose 1 or 2 'followers', but I've not noticed any difference.

The whole point is I feel better for it. And that's not a wrong thing to want. Nothing on earth could change the situation with David and I didn't love him any less. And I just know (because I knew him so well)........that he would't have minded at all.  In fact, that last sentence has led me on to the final paragraph......

I've been thinking all day about putting this on Facebook but have held back, for some reason.  Yesterday we were at the Funeral Directors when the very nice lady we were talking to had to leave us for a minute and we started talking about suitable music. Pete started off by suggesting perhaps something by Sinatra and a couple of other things but then I said that I really wanted to emphasise David's sense of humour and mentioned that he'd really liked Peter Cook & Dudley Moore so how about them singing 'Goodbye' as we were leaving, maybe. Then Jo said something about a TV sitcom where the family wanted the Theme from Bodyguard (I Will Always Love You) but ended up with the title song from Minder (Dennis Waterman singing I could Be So Good For You). There followed a not-very-serious discussion about this accompanied by quite a lot of fairly loud  laughter.  Inappropriate? No - in my head I could hear David laughing along with us and I remembered an equal amount of laughing whilst arranging his brother's funeral.  So, goodness knows what we'll end up with but it will be with my wonderful husband  and Pete's and Jo's Dad uppermost in our minds. What other people think doesn't matter a fuck.

Thanks for reading. (If you do)


Judy said...

Keep it up Chris. Getting your thoughts down on paper (so to speak) can only do you good and help get you through this difficult period of your life. xx

Fiona Mackenzie said...

Well, how very dare you, swearing in your own fucking blog!??! ;-)

Sarah said...

I have to say I admire you! I'm crying again! We chose some very non traditional funeral songs for Tony, finishing with Don't Stop me now by Queen! X

MaryB said...

First, you and Jo and Pete are handling this exactly as David would've wanted. You know him better than anyone, and keeping your sense of humor is a way to honor him and the life you shared. And second, thank you for reminding me that I've lost the essence of why I started blogging 10 years ago. I've become too timid and, like you, afraid of offending. Well, screw that. I plan to get back to my original intent. xxxx

Chris said...

Love the comments. Judy: already done me some good. I'm becoming quite bold, in a timid sort of way. But I'm working on that.
Fiona: It's my blog, for me, and I'll say what I fucking like (see! I'm now bold!)
Sarah: For ages I've been thinking that I want that Queen song at my funeral and happened to mention it yesterday. So they'd better make sure it gets done!
Mary: we'll become less timid together
Thank you all xxxx