Yesterday's news

..or even the day before yesterday's as I've only just got round to reading the papers.

I'm not going to relay my thoughts on politics; I really don't like swearing in print very much. Suffice it to say that you can trust their word, the only problem being you have to be very careful which particular word that is. No, on second thoughts, you can't trust any of their words.

First item to catch my eye was the lifetime achievement award award givcn to Tony Curtis by
Empire magazine. I really like Tony Curtis, not so much for his great acting (although I think he is an under-rated actor), but because he was a true Hollywood 'star', very good looking, outstanding in Some Like it Hot and The Sweet Smell of Success and seems not to take himself too seriously. His other memorable role, for me, (and not necessarily for his acting skills) was in Spartacus. You warm to him when you hear that he recalls scoring minus zero in a school spelling test because he didn't spell his name right; he forgot to put the 't' in Schwartz.

A very small item that made me smile was a report from Oslo that because of a plumber's error the beer taps in a bar in Kristiansund only served water, while an apartment on the second floor of the same building had only beer coming out of its kitchen taps. Unfortunately the beer in the kitchen was flat.

There is an article about the 'ghosts on the supermarket shelves' - products that apparently still sell in their thousands, that have been around for ever and refuse to be killed off. First is Marmite but the bad news is that they're giving it a makeover and are putting it into one of those really user-unfriendly plastic squirty bottles! Now, if that turns out to be like the upside down squirty bottle that tomato ketchup is now in you'll squirt away for minutes with no result then, suddenly you'll get a bloody great dollop of the stuff on your toast, which ain't very nice!!
Then we have Angel Delight. This should bring back memories for Peter & Jo as I seem to remember that it was something they had for dessert quite frequently. Camp Coffee - now why this horrible stuff should sell is a great mystery to me. It's called coffe but it consists of 26% chicory, 4% coffee and the rest mostly sugar. According to a spokesman for the manufacturer it is mostly people of 84+ who still buy it. Now who buys Izal toilet paper? It surely must be the most unsuitable product in history for its purpose. It is reminiscent of school toilets in the '60s, with its shiny, onion skin texture and its whiff of disinfectant. There's also Pearce Duff's Blancmange Powder (solid custard with lumps), Farrow's Giant Marrowfat Processed Peas (I would eat nothing else as a child, but now I would eat anything else. Spam - well we all know what Monty Python did for that. Bird's Dream Topping, another '60s-'70s favourite with ingredients reading like a chemistry textbook.

In the 'Health' section a report outlined treatment by psychotherapist Bernie Wooder who prescribes films to help alleviate his clients' emotional troubles. A few examples: Rocky, Lawrence of Arabia help with lack of drive, Truly Madly Deeply, Ghost, Great Expectations are for bereavement, loss or a broken heart, The Money Pit for debt, Shirley Valentine, Muriel's Wedding for insecurity, Educating Rita for boredom, The Bridges of Madison County for dealing with having an affair.
I'm going off in a minute to compile my own list!

Finally - the 'Letters' page contained this little gem:

Sir: Breasts are not hemispherical (letter, 13 March). A simple method for determining the weight (mass) of a breast is as follows. The woman stands on bathroom scales, leaning forward, and records her weight. An assistant raises a bowl of water and fully immerses the breast. The decrease in weight registered on the scales is equal to the weight of the breast. This method works on any fleshy appendage which has the same density as water.

All of the above courtesy of The Independent> .